Right now it is storming here. The rain is pouring from the clouds outside, and inside, the tears are pouring from my eyes.
Today is one of those days, when I just want to go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and forget about everything. It comes on the heels of a particularly bad couple of weeks. I have been battling the Shingles for the third time; I have had another painful gall bladder attack over the weekend; and this morning I had to rush Pork Chop (our little doggie) to the vet because he his throat and nose were swelling up and he couldn't breathe (a reaction to a vaccine he had received).
And today marks one year since my since my husband and I pulled up roots. Roots that ran wide. Roots that ran deep. A year since we relocated, in order for us to follow what The Lord is calling us to do, in this season of life, in the place he is calling us to do it.
But here's the thing. It has not been an easy transition. I am missing my friends. I am missing our home that my husband and I built and the memories that we created there as a family. I am missing the life we knew for the last 20 years.
My husband works long hours and I am finding myself alone and isolated from others far too much of the time. Current health challenges keep me from getting out and about as much as I would like in order to meet and make new friends. The health care modalities that could ease (if not possibly eliminate) the chronic pain I suffer with are readily available here, yet not accessible, since our insurance won't cover their cost. Our house still hasn't sold.
At this point, I am wondering what in the world are we doing here??
But here's the other thing - even on my worst day, I have so much to be grateful for.
I serve a God who lavishes his Grace on me each and every day. A God whose Mercies are new every morning. A God who walks with me, lovingly leading me to a renewed sense of His Presence, Mercy and Love. I have a family and friends who love me. I have a beautiful home (well heck - right now I have two) and my husband has a good job.
And here's the third thing - What if the very things I need are the very things I fight the most? What if this solitude is exactly what I need at this time to draw me closer to my Lord? Exactly what I need to become more serious about my prayer life? Exactly what I need to step more deeply into my callings as writer and life coach? What if this season of transition is actually a gift wrapped in suffering?
So what if it's not really about the transition after all? What if this transition is really about transformation? My transformation? A stripping away of the old, and ushering in of the new? Excruciating growing pains. My loving Father inviting me yet again to follow Him in FAITH?
Me, kicking and screaming like a toddler who doesn't yet want to leave the ice cream shoppe. He, like the good Father that He is, reaching down, picking me up and carrying me, until exhausted I stop kicking, I stop screaming, and at last, I are ready to let go of my will and surrender to His.
Hard Surrender. A Long Time in Coming Surrender. Not a One Time and It's Done Surrender. But Sweet Surrender.
Perhaps, it is in these moments - these moments of Surrender - that He sets me down, takes my hand in His, and once again invites me to follow Him in the calling and places He has chosen and equipped me for long before I ever arrived here; perhaps it is in these moments - when Surrender finally comes - that I get to participate in the great exchange - exchanging my Temporal wants and needs for His
Eternal Purposes. Perhaps it is in these moments - the Not a One Time and It's Done Moment - but these times of Sweet Surrender - that I get to partner with Christ in the plan He has set out for me, using the gifts he has given me, in the timing He has ordained for me, to actually make a difference in the world.
Life begins and ends with a breath. In between, there are literally millions of breaths that we will take. Most of them ordinary, most unconscious and unnoticed and the great majority of them are unfortunately somewhat shallow.
But then there are moments in life that take our breath away - The joy of a bridegroom as he watches his bride walking down the isle, each step taken a step closer to their life together; hearing the long awaited cry of your firstborn, and your second and your third; watching a wild cottontail bunny scamper across your garden, his white tail flashing in the sunlight; the first sight of the robin's red breast appearing after a long hard winter, the sound of waves lapping the shore as seagulls fly overhead........
And then there are moments which knock the breath out of us - the call in the middle of the night that our son or daughter was just killed in a car accident; sitting across from the doctor trying to comprehend the news that we are infertile and cannot ever bear children; the sudden loss of our husband of 35 years to a heart attack, leaving us in the unexpected, unwanted place of widowhood. Hearing the words that all women dread to hear - "you have breast cancer"; or learning that we will have to live from an incurable chronic illness; or that we are dying from a terminal one; feeling that all too familiar feeling of helplessness as we draw in a series of breaths each time our child has to have another IV put in for another round of chemo as they bravely battle the big C; Or being engulfed with despair as we watch our home and all our worldly possessions going up in flames in the middle of the night, or being swept away by the tide in the aftermath of a hurricane.
This blog posts and the ones that follow are about learning to breathe again, whether you have been in the habit of unconsciously taking in a serious of shallow breaths, or you have had the breath knocked out of you.
It is about learning to deeply inhale the extraordinary gifts of God, through his Grace, admidst the otherwise ordinary days.
It is a lesson I am learning to practice in my own life, in response to battles that I am personally fighting with moments that take my breath away.
It is a lesson I HAVE to learn - just to survive on some days - and in order to thrive on others.
I am ever so grateful for the whispers of the Holy Spirit comforting me each day with the reminder to "Breathe, Just Breathe."
I pray that these writings will open up to you the "Gift of Breath" and that by so doing you will begin to experience anew the grace and mercy of God in Christ and the extraordinary gifts He has waiting for you to breathe in on ordinary days as you begin to learn to "Breathe, Just Breathe".
Shortly before my 60th birthday, I left home. It was a planned departure, carefully thought out and prepared for, but that didn't make it any easier. The morning of the move, I remember opening my eyes and thinking that this would be the last time I ever opened them to view the pale lavender walls, the cream-colored lace curtains, the joyful rabbit faces greeting me, as they had each and every morning - from the platter that hangs in a wrought iron plate rack centered over my favorite ivory-scrolled table. It would be the last time, in this house, in this home, that I would roll out of the beautiful cherrywood sleigh bed my husband and I purchased for our 20th anniversary, and step barefoot onto the oak floors I had given one final polishing a week ago. I could smell the familiar scent of coffee beans as the whir of the coffee grinder interrupted my thoughts. I walked the distance from our bedroom to the kitchen as I had thousand of times before but this time was markedly different - harder - almost impossible. I felt as if I were in the final steps of a marathon using every ounce of energy I could muster to somehow cross the finish line. Only knowing that the finish line was both the end of one race while simultaneously being the beginning of another. Each step seemed to me surreal, as if I were the observer, rather than the participant, much like watching a replay of a movie clip in slow motion. Somehow, I made it across the finish line and collapsed in my husbands arms sobbing. " I can't leave." I whispered in his ear. "Yes, you can." He whispered back. "We are leaving together." And so we did - this leaving together - crossing the finish line only to find ourselves at the start of a new journey....... And it is here on this journey that I am learning to Breathe - Just - Breathe.
I have always been impatient on trips - as a small child, and still am today, as an adult.
I was always anxious to just "get there" - and the question of "are we there yet?" that I once peppered my parents with, every few miles from the back seat of our car on family vacations, still rings loud in my ears today as I embark on each new journey in life.
When I opened my life coaching business I chose the name "Here to There" with the tag line "Journey to Joyful Living."You see, as a life coach I am all about helping my clients design and live a life they love. I made the journey myself and designed not only a interior life that reflected my values but an exterior one as well - shortly before I started helping others do it. I went from a place of being stuck and feeling purposeless to thriving and living an intentional purposeful life. There is always a gap between where we are "Here" and where we want to be "There." The purpose of life coaching is to help you identify that gap and then look at potential and possibilities for moving forward and closing that gap.
I believe in life coaching - I practice its principles in my own life, as well as using them to coach others. I have bridged huge gaps through the process of coaching and continue to identify and close more. I love the potential and possibility in a person, place or thing and I love bringing out that possibility and seeing it turn into reality.
The realization of a dream - a changed life! That is what life coaching does for someone. It did it for me and I have seen it do the same for many others!
But somehow I missed something along the way - I thought the joy was in the destination - not in the journey.
We have only three options in life - we can look back - we can look forward - or we can live in the present. Sometimes we do one or the other - sometimes we get stuck in the past and refuse to move forward, other times we are obsessed with planning and looking ahead to the future. While visiting the past and planning for the future can both be not only necessary but beneficial to our well being - neglecting to live in the present can be detrimental.
Sometimes we need to look back in order to move forward and to learn the most important lesson of all - that joy is not in the destination - but in the journey.
Join me as I share snippets of the past several years when God began to nudge my husband and I towards unfamiliar paths.
A time when I thought my life was falling apart and it was actually falling together.
A time when the death of a dream meant the birth of a new one.
A time where I am learning to breathe - Not those small shallow breaths but the slow deep inhaled breaths that bring oxygen and newness to every cell of your body.
A time where I share this beautiful mess of my life and encourage you to love and appreciate your own beautiful mess.
Come join me as I share my "journey to joyful living" and the lessons I am learning along the way.
It's been a strange kind of day. I had lunch earlier with a dear friend, who no longer lives in the same town as I do, so I cherish our get togethers all the more now. While at lunch, we were discussing how neither of us really wanted to serve "inside" the church anymore, but wanted to go "outside" its' walls to reach the lost and hurting with the love of Christ.
Later in the evening, my husband and I were sitting in our living room eating dinner, while watching the evening news. We heard someone shouting outside and at first we ignored it, thinking it was just a neighborhood kid playing around. When the shouting got louder and more insistent, we went to the window to see what was going on. We saw a woman standing outside our gate, yelling and waving a flashlight. My husband went outside first and I followed behind.
The young woman was shouting hysterically that something had happened to her dog - that he was hurt and that no one was home and she needed help. We recognized her as someone we had seen in the neighborhood and working around town, so my husband went down the road with her to check on her dog, and I stayed behind and prayed.
We live and operate a bed and breakfast off the beaten path on a long winding country road. We are grateful that The Lord has given us the resources to turn our modest home into our dream home, as well as to build a lovely bed and breakfast cottage on our property, surrounded by beautiful gardens, to offer as a place of rest and refreshment to others. There are other modest homes in the neighborhood and a sprinkling of mobile homes - some well maintained - some badly in need of repair.
When my husband returned home, the news was not good. The young woman lived in very poor conditions inside one of the mobile homes. She owned several dogs whom she dearly loved, and the one she came frantically looking for help for, had been hit by a car. She had recently lost her job and had just broken up with her boyfriend because he had been abusing her. She now had a roomate, because she was afraid to stay by herself. And tonight one of her "babies" that she had adopted from the humane society was badly injured.
She apologized for "bothering" us and for crying about her dog. As I hugged her and assured her that as a dog lover myself with a "baby" of my own, I completely understood - it seemed so inadequate.
My husband's calm compassionate demeanor, as he followed this distressed young woman home, examined her little dog, and helped her determine the best course of action to help her precious pet - all seemed so inadequate as well.
I wanted to take away her pain - all of it. The pain of possibly losing her precious "baby", the pain of poverty, the pain of suffering abuse at the hands of another. But I couldn't. My husband couldn't. We couldn't.
I wanted to pack up my extra clothes, my extra dishes, my extra sheets and blankets and bring them down to share with her. When my husband told me she had mentioned to him how beautiful she thought our bed and breakfast gardens were and how peaceful she felt when she walked by, I wanted to throw open our garden gate and tell her she could come sit in it anytime she wants.
But I can't go down the block, goods in hand and drop them off uninvited and unasked for. Still, I believe she came "shouting" at our house for a reason. Perhaps, it was just for tonight's need - comfort and help in her distress. Perhaps more. I honestly don't know how to help her, only that my heart wants to.
Later, as I pondered the obvious question out loud to my husband of "Why?" "Why did she come to our house for help?" - she doesn't know us, we aren't the nearest house - he gave me the obvious answer. "Because she saw the light on." The other houses in the neighborhood were dark - ours was shining brightly.
Yes! I want to be the house with the light on. I want to be the life with the light of Christ shining brightly. I want to offer people in distress the same love and compassion that I as a child of God have been so blessed to receive from Him through Christ.
Perhaps, we did give the woman all she wanted and for that matter all she needed from us. Perhaps it was just a start and there is more to give. I will have to trust that the same God who brought her to our home in her time of need, will show us if there is more to do. But for now, I will be thankful for the opportunity that came "shouting" tonight.
Questions for Thought:
What opportunities are "shouting" at you?
How might God be calling you to respond?
"Therefore, the Lord Himself will give you a sign: The virgin will give conceive and give birth to a son and call him Emmanuel." Isaiah 7:14
It has been a long and harrowing year and I have been silent and absent from my blog for far too long. I could tell you that I have been experiencing writer's block, or that I have been preoccupied with more pressing things - both of which are true - but the raw truth is that I have been derailed!
About this time a year ago, the train I had boarded was going at a pretty good clip. Not speeding, mind you, just chugging along. Our bed and breakfast business was booming and I was in the process of taking my coaching and writing business to the next level. I had grand plans for it all and not only was I going places, but I was enjoying the journey as well.
And then it happened - without much warning, the train ran off its tracks.
It seemed to happen in an instant - the pain struck like a knife, then went away. A few seconds later, the pain stuck again this time more insistent and then stayed.
"Pelvic Pain of Unknown Etiology." That was my preliminary diagnosis. A series of tests ensued. Exams, Ultrasounds, Blood Work, etc.
"Pelvic Pain of Unknown Etiology." Two trips to the emergency room, doubled over in pain. my normal bodily functions compromised. The hoped for diagnostic tests not run. Pain pills dispensed.
"Pelvic Pain of Unknown Etiology." Finally in desperation, my husband drove me two hours to Ochsner Hospital's Emergency Room to get a battery of tests run. We waited over three hours in a room filled with flu patients, and the tests took another three. Finding out there were many issues inside my pelvis, I was given some prescriptions, stronger pain medicine and a referral to a GYN pain specialist - which was not until two weeks later because of the Christmas Season.
We arrived home early the next morning, I slept for a couple of hours, but was soon up again because of the pain. Later that evening, I took a pain pill, went to bed and slept. At some point during the night, I got up to go to the bathroom and began to feel quite woozy. I headed back towards our bedroom and barely made it into the room, before losing consciousness, falling and hitting my head on the foot-board of our king-sized sleigh bed, then bouncing off and hitting my head a second time.
Either the hit on the bed or the scream that came from somewhere inside me, woke my husband and my youngest son and they ran to help me up. But I was too weak to even be helped up and I insisted they let me lay there until I felt stable enough to be picked up and put back in bed. At that moment I felt so utterly helpless, and truth be told, hopeless. I didn't know how I would make it another day, much less another two weeks until I saw the specialist.
Christmas came and went. All around me, people were celebrating the birth of Christ - Emmanuel (God with Us) and for the first time in my life, I missed the joy of celebrating His birth and did not feel my the usual joy of His presence. My family cooked and cleaned, lovingly cared for me, attended church and exchanged gifts. I lay in bed weak and in pain, simultaneously grateful for their presence, yet wishing at times to be left alone.
"Hysterectomy." Finally, the long awaited appointment arrived. After consultation with the doctor, it was determined that I needed a complete hysterectomy and my surgery was scheduled for the first available date - February 5. I was originally told that I would have a six week recovery period and then I would feel like "a new woman." But after surgery, the doctor informed me that it was a "mess it there" and he had to do extensive work and that my recovery period would now probably take 6 months to a year. But he assured both my husband and I that the surgery had indeed proved absolutely necessary as I was just one stage away from cancer! MY Emmanuel (God with ME) had cleared the path before me, long before the train derailed, and prepared a way to save me from a worse fate, in spite of the fact that I did not "feel" Him with me.
"Pelvic Floor Dysfunction." The recovery period has been long and arduous, and I developed complications from the surgery. Several months into the recovery period, I was diagnosed with Pelvic Floor Dysfunction - a disorder of the pelvic muscles which causes chronic pain. I have been referred to physical therapy and am blessed to have a team of PT's who are very invested in helping me overcome my pain.
It is now a year later and we have just celebrated Christ's Birth again. I had hoped that all of my issues would have been resolved by now, and while some are getting better, I have developed new and puzzling symptoms and once again find myself undergoing tests and waiting.
"Possible MS." The spoken words in the doctor's office at first startled me, now terrify me. Waiting is not something I ever do well and in this circumstance, it is even harder.
But as I look back over the past year, I am in awe of the many ways God was with me.
I am so grateful for my loving husband who has been with me each and every day - whose love and strength enabled me to keep going, when at times, I wanted to give up.
I am so grateful for my children and grandchildren whose phone calls and visits brought laughter back once again.
I am so grateful for the care and concern of my friends and their prayers which sustained me.
I am so grateful for the knowledge and compassion of the doctors and nurses who cared for me and who are caring for me still.
I am so grateful for my sweet doggie who made it his personal mission to stay close to me and keep a watchful eye on me and even licked my tears, which fell too often from my face.
I am so grateful for the winter that gave way to spring, for the beautiful gardens we are blessed with, which provide the perfect place for prayer, rest and recovery; for the melodious songbirds sitting in our trees each morning who serenade I look forward to each morning and evening; the scampering squirrels who daily fight over the hickory nuts that have fallen to the ground and try to find new ways to get into the bird feeders; and even the occasional surprise bunny whose presence makes it into our garden, brings instant joy to my heart.
I am grateful to be reminded that it is not always in the extraordinary that we meet with God, but most often it is in the ordinary. I am grateful that I have been forced to slow down and have been given the opportunity to drink in the beauty of God's creation, but even more grateful that I have been given the opportunity to drink more deeply of Him.
"EMMANUEL." God with us, God with you, God with me. Emmanuel - Born of a virgin, laid in a manger; fully God and fully man, yet without sin; who lived and dwelt among us and became sin for us; who died our death on the cross; who rose from the dead and is and has been eternally our Emmanuel (God with us).
"EMMANUEL." I don't know what the future holds, but I do know WHO holds the future.
And that gives me courage to face the future - whatever it holds. His strength enables me in my weakness to continue to serve Him with the gifts and calling He has given me. His grace enables me to take one day at a time.
It won't always be easy, nor will I always like the detours that the Lord in his faithfulness and love for me determines are necessary, nor will I always understand or know the answer to "Why?"
But, I think that now, at long last, I am ready to surrender my hand to His, as He helps me up the steps and back onto the train, because I know in a deeper way now than I ever did before, that there is an unseen person, sitting next to me and His name is:
"EMMANUEL." God with us, God with you, God with me; Then and Now.
thinking a lot about words lately and the mystery of them.
spoken word and the written word have always intrigued me.
stand in awe of the way a young child learns to speak the language of his or
her parents.The way that language just
seems to be absorbed as if by osmosis, the way one wondrous day a word comes
forth, and then another and another, finally to be followed by a sentence and
before long a conversation.
written word holds no less intrigue for me.In fact, they may even hold more. I never cease to be amazed athow these symbols we call letters are put
together to form a word and how those words are put together to form a sentence
and those sentences form a paragraph and those paragraphs form an article, a
blog post, a story, or a book.
perhaps my greatest surprise is the power
that words hold and the effect they can have on others and where that leaves me
as a writer.This realization of the
power that words hold is simultaneously both awesome and frightening to me.
have the power to uplift, encourage and heal.They also have the power to tear down, discourage and wound.They hold the actual power of speaking life
or death to others.
I had two
teachers in school whose words still ring in my ears and so perfectly
illustrate this point.
spoke death to me. I still vividly remember both the incident and the words as
if they happened just yesterday.I was a
small grammar school student who had worked diligently on an art assignment the
teacher had given us. When I was sure that it beautifully conveyed on paper the
image I saw in my head, I proudly handed in mywork.A day or two later, the
teacher (whose name I don't even remember) handed back my art work with a Big
Fat Red F marked across the page while she boldly proclaimed to me (and the
rest of the class) "YOU have NO artistic talent whatsoever!" To this
day, I've never picked up a paintbrush (other than the ones I paint beautiful
rooms with!) again.
spoke life to me.Miss Vella (whose name
I do remember) told me regularly that I had talent, that my writing was
beautiful and that she had no doubt that one day I would be a published author.
I credit Ms. Vella, my high school teacher, with my love of language, love of
words and the fact that I am able to string a word or two together today to
convey a thought or an idea.
point here (in case you're missing it) is not whether I have even a smidgen of
undiscovered or underdeveloped artistic talent in me, or even whether or not
I'll ever find myself on the New York Times Best Seller List.
point here is that words hold power.And that consequently, as someone who
holds words in both her heart and fingers, I am given the privilege and the
responsibility to use them in a way to speak life to those who read them.
an awesome privilege that is - to have the opportunity to speak life and birth
greatness in others.Not an art that
I've perfected yet, butcertainly an
ideal I aspire to.
hope I get it right, at least some of the